A few months back, I think just after March. Everything that I had worked towards in my life to realize my purpose which was to build a social enterprise and an organic environment in the education space in India by gaining all the skills I needed to run everything by myself came to an abrupt stop. I believe this growth phase of my life was mostly driven by the “YANG” psyche mindset I picked up from my mentor Akshay and the organization CareerKraft. It was all about making things happen, if there was one saying / quote to sum it up. It would be this.
” To hell with circumstances, I create my own opportunities”
I really had a hard time accepting the cards I was dealt with in my life. No money to go after things I loved to do no scratch that – I CRAVED TO DO! but couldn’t. This was a repeating pattern in my life even up until my 3rd year of my college life. I found solace in only 1 thing and at only one place and that was in a Basketball court where I can shut my brain off and just “BE”. But, since I started interning at CK, my mindset and perception underwent a major shift one which just kept pushing me to poke all the boundaries that I had unknowingly set around myself. And, it did happen. It took me more than 6 months to bust all my limiting beliefs, one by one. By, screwing up more and more my view of failure was fundamentally altered. I began to believe in this eco-system that I was destined and was just supported to all extent to become whatever I wanted to be.
BUT LIFE HAD OTHER PLANS FOR ME!
I had to move on with towards my next phase after graduating from college which was into IBM. Before IBM, I never intended to work as I had just started a company with my uncle which got me really pumped up about entrepreneurship. I really wanted to make that happen but soon I realized “I WAS IN OVER MY HEAD” as I was still a novice in talking to people.
I COULD NEVER KEEP A CONVERSATION GOING WITH ANYBODY FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES.
I WOULD END UP MAKING A FOOL OF MYSELF.
AT SOME POINT I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR MORE AND MORE OF INSPIRATION AND ENDING UP NOT TAKING ANY ACTION AT ALL.
I HAD NO PUBLIC SPEAKING SKILLS WHATSOEVER.
STILL NO IDEA WHAT MY PASSION WAS AS I WAS PASSIONATE ABOUT EVERYTHING!!
I WAS LIKE THE 4th HORSE WHO IS READY TO BE WHIPPED TILL THE PAIN WENT INTO MY MARROW OF MY BONES TO REALIZE MY OVERCONFIDENCE AND OVER-DEPENDENCE ON OTHERS INSTEAD OF TRUSTING MY HEART AND GUT.
STILL KEPT BLAMING PARENTS, FAMILY, LIFE ITSELF FOR NOT STACKING ODDS IN MY FAVOR.
MY WRITING SUCKED !
At first, I saw my life post March as a curse that would never end. But, it turned out be a blessing. Similar to the blessing of the 4th horse in the zen fables. Even, as I write this post now. I have overcome all these fairly well though they do surface up at times. Still, some remnants are left that are burning out slowly. Then, the moment came where everything I had worked for was right in my face again
BUT LIFE HAD OTHER PLANS FOR ME!
Whatever I did, I just couldn’t get there. It was as if an invisible fourth wall was right in front of me. I could see clearly right in front of me all that I wanted was in front me, yet I couldn’t reach it no matter how hard I tried. I burned myself out completely. Though, I could go on. Now, I envisioned things backwards all my plans that I had if they had come true how then did I feel about all of it?
It was just a moment of success after which I still felt empty. I knew something was amiss. A lot of these moments, when I stated above – “LIFE HAD OTHER PLANS FOR ME”. I realized it was my heart telling me to look at what’s obvious to which I had remained oblivious all this while.
Going on from April 2013, I decided to follow this voice to see where that would lead me. It took me to an Unconference that happened sometime in June where I entered a world that was so full of life.
People talking about things like –
- SAVOR LIFE, Spirit of co-creation, learning together, living together
- unlearning everything you know
- tapping your abundance
- living with life and as life itself
- MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL – TO JUST SLOW DOWN and NOT DO ANYTHING and still get EVERYTHING DONE!
I was dumb-founded. It was like I was in a place where I told myself these guys are certainly a bunch of hippies and they have just given up on being ambitious and fighting for what they believed in. How mistaken I was…..they knew the simplest secret to LIVE. That is being completely naked to every moment and seeing the beauty of what unfolds. This was a world, where everything I had learned was the same but spoken and conveyed with a subtle variation. Here I realized what Rumi said many years back –
“WHAT YOU SEEK IS ALSO SEEKING YOU”
I just told myself, I had been dismissive about all this. What’s the worst that can happen? let me SLOW DOWN for sometime and see where this takes me. Nothing happened for more than a month. Slowly, crazy synchronicities started popping up everywhere. It was as if I had become a magnet and everything that I needed started coming to me without me doing anything. And, when it did come then I’d go into CK mode with the spirit of the new world that I had experienced. All this mostly have been possible due to 4 people, Arjun Som for insisting me to attend this conference in the first place. Rohit for constantly reminding me the subtle power of this space. And Kiran whom I see the as the complete polar opposite of Akshay for giving me enough space to learn by myself the beauty of life as it is. Frederic for helping me deeply understand my inquiries with myself. One more person being Glen with whom I will deeply treasure most of the conversations we struck. It did feel like meeting myself through each one the them.
I thought I already knew and understood what “WHAT IS” is but no, life had invited me to truly look, just see for what it is. Even, while I’m writing about it now…..I have goosebumps all over my body and a surge of energy that just imploded from my heart throughout my whole body.
I realized how insignificant I am when compared to life. I am the space around which everything happens. I can observe everything as if this is a movie of my life and some character called “Bharath” who is going through all this. When I let go of everything I learnt, when the observer became the observed then the magic happens. A place-less place, the edge, NO-THING that has always been here and is right now. Remaining in contact with it allows me to flirt with anything I want. This phase I learnt about the “YIN” way of life. Truly realizing and knowing what I am and what I can be. I am something more than my purpose, the life I was born to live.
AND YES IT’S TIME TO SPEED UP NOW SLOWLY 🙂
What a great pit-stop to unlearn and re-learn everything I had learnt backwards and upside down. Now, truly I feel IMMORTAL and capable of doing anything I set my mind to. And, if I don’t get to do that. I’m perfectly fine with that also. 🙂
Every day from now on is a day where BHARATH shows up plays around, experiments all day,
maybe he will suck at a lot of things,
maybe he will just read and write all day,
maybe he will get hurt or anything can happen.
He will share what he knows, he will co-creates, he will keep on learning
he will let go of everything to look forward to another day while resting in the lap of life itself.
“ROCKING CHAIR ON A FERRARI” style!